Xela Catedrilla, Lv. 2 Meditation Student, Ocean Sky Chan Monastery
In this busy and fast paced world, it is easy to be drowned in unending thoughts and concerns of everyday life, and live life each day feeling like there is no tomorrow. We feel restless, unstoppable, and limitless without realizing that life and time on earth are finite and impermanent. And so, we seek instant gratification by eating unhealthy foods, by impulsive shopping, by excessive drinking, by mindless scrolling in social media and in many more impulsive behaviors. We do all these in the hope that we can escape the monotony of our lives and possibly find rest. Little do we know that all of these behaviors provide only temporary relief to the chaos the material world brings. They are nothing but patch-up solutions to our miserable situation in these modern times. After the eating, partying, drinking, etc., we are constantly confronted with noise, madness and unending monkey mind thoughts. The supposed peace and joy of the mundane world feel bizarre and are fleeting.
That was my situation a few months ago. I was lost, fed up, and tired of life. I was looking for some thrill, challenge, or trigger that would make me instantly happy and peaceful. I tried a lot of things just to fill the void inside me. I admit those things made me happy for a while until I was again caught with angst, weariness, fears, and undue self-pride. It felt like the cycle was never ending. I was in limbo and at the crossroads of my life. I had built my identity on my career, people’s opinions toward me, and the expectations of society. I thought “I’ve got my life together” but I was wrong. I saw my value not from my own eyes but from the lenses of the outside world.
Then it suddenly dawned on me that I am more than these labels, titles, and perceptions. I am valuable on my own and no one can dictate that value except me. I realized this when Shifu gave her first lecture about “value.” That first Zen Class was memorable and I almost cried. Shifu was right, my self-value should be dictated by me and not by other people and/or external conditions surrounding me. After that class, I vowed not to be unduly bothered by the negative opinions and criticisms of others. Sure, I will still listen and consider these but I will not let them ultimately define me and my self-worth.
So too, I surprisingly found peace during my first Zen Class. I found peace and joy, not in the mall or in a fancy restaurant, but in the humble four wooden corners of the monastery. When I first meditated, there was unusual silence all over the place which I was not used to. Never have I thought that simple breathing would be that hard. I was drowning with thoughts of the past and the future. I was never in the present moment. Right then and there I knew something was wrong within.
As I was struggling hard, I made a conscious choice of meditating every single day. In the silence of my heart and calmness of my mind I found my safe place. Brief meditations here and there have brought me back to the present and I can now appreciate the quiet, the stillness, and the absence of thoughts. I can just sit, close my eyes and focus on my breathing, and yet feel blissful at the same time. I need not do extravagant and grandiose things just to feel better. I am taking my space here and I am loving the peace that lies therein.
More so, I also loved how Zen Class impacts my attitude towards all sentient beings. As much as I can I practice compassion and humility in all my dealings. I used to be the unforgiving and tough litigator. But I have laid low and now look at myself from the shoes of other people, understanding their plight and seeing their point of view. From there, I find myself creating alternative solutions to a legal problem where both parties achieve a win-win solution.
Indeed, Zen Class is helping me become a better person than I was. I must admit, I am still a work in progress but I am getting there. Many thanks to Shifu, volunteers, classmates and the community of Ocean Sky!