呼與吸之間

文／美國佛寶寺英文中級禪修班學員　Steve Williamson

　　

　　In. Out. In. Out.

　　For the past eight months, each observed in-breath and each observed out-breath has microscopically altered the trajectory of the consciousness I've called "I"for the past 55 years. Like many beginners, I sought something new. Instead, I've discovered the little-by-little losing of things old: old habits, old impurities, old expectations.

　　It's been subtle to be sure. So subtle I might ask myself: "Was that little patch of me that just sloughed off, was that my precious pride or the rough edge of ego?"Sometimes, I have to squint to recognize the progress. Still, I've been delighted to rediscover that underneath my exterior scales lies my old clearer and kinder self, a hidden treasure trove of my basic goodness. Not yet observable to others perhaps, but real nonetheless.

　　Back again...and again...to this moment...then to this moment...then to this moment. This path of breath-observing has been challenging to my Western mind, accustomed more to reliving the past or pre-living the future. And yet back to the breath, I uncover both questions and gratitude. Currently, three questions arise:

　　• Who is this observer of the breath whom I call "I"?

　　• How can I become kinder, more compassionate?

　　• What about Right Livelihood?

　　Sometimes, gratitude responds to the questions. Gratitude for this new exploration of reality, of mind. Gratitude for our Buddha Jewel Monastery founded a few years ago in one of our nation's most racially, economically and religiously diverse neighborhoods. Gratitude for our shifus and my classmates for their commitment to sharing the Dharma. And gratitude for the Buddha.

　　With beginner's mind, I have few lessons to offer, but three steps have helped me with my path. First, I journal my daily meditations. When my practice stalls, I persevere because a previous journal entry recalls the profound value of simply observing.

　　Second, I've begun a second meditation some days--at work for 10-20 minutes--to cool the heat of the workaday world. Third, I try to breath-observe while walking to and from work: In-In-In. Out-Out-Out. Three steps for each in-breath, three steps for each out-breath.

　　Breath-observing has launched me on a new space and time trajectory--more here, more now--than where I was headed only eight months ago. While I mostly observe my breath in solitude, I am drawn to meditating with others, either in the Monastery with classmates or at home with my wife. I believe this is because my consciousness isn't so separate from others. This breath-observer whom I call "I"is interconnected with other consciousnesses, just as I've always deeply observed.

　　In. Out. In. Out.

　　（吸氣、吐氣、吸氣、吐氣。

　　這八個月來，隨著一呼一吸的觀息，讓過去五十五年來所稱為「我」的這念心，微觀地改變了原有的軌道。就像許多初學者一樣，我也在尋求著新的事物，卻發覺自己反而漸漸在失去舊有的東西：舊的習氣、舊的染著、舊的期待。

　　這個改變真的很細微，細微到我會反問自己：「剛剝落的這一小塊，是我珍貴的自尊，還是自我的角？」有時候，要瞇著眼仔細看，才能看得出進步。儘管如此，還是很高興能重新發現，那個藏在表相之下更清明、更慈悲的本性依然存在──隱藏的自家珍寶。或許，別人還沒有察覺，但它是真實的。

　　一次又一次地回到當下，再回到當下、再回到當下。觀息這條路，對我這個西方人的心而言，充滿了挑戰──這念心太習慣重溫過去或預設未來。但將心念收回，依止在出入息的同時，我心中充滿了感恩，也發起了三種疑情：

　　•這個能觀息的「我」是誰？

　　•我如何才能更柔軟、更慈悲？

　　•什麼才是「正命」？

　　有時候，感恩回答了一切──感恩有機會能探索真理及心性；感恩在這麼一個種族、經濟、宗教多元的地方，有佛寶寺的成立；感恩法師的教導，以及精舍學員們的分享；感恩佛陀。

　　我還是初學者，能分享的心得不多。但在修行的路上，有三件事對我很有幫助：第一，我每天會寫觀照日記。即使遇到阻礙，我仍會堅持，因為每篇記錄都能令人想起專注當下的珍貴。

　　第二，每天靜坐兩次。第二次是在公司，十到二十分鐘，讓我從繁忙的工作中冷靜下來。第三，走路上下班時也盡量觀息：吸吸吸、呼呼呼，三步一吸氣，三步一呼氣。

　　觀息使我的心航向新的時空軌道，相較於八個月前，更能安住在當下。大多時候我獨自靜坐，但也喜歡和別人一起靜坐，或是在佛寶寺和師兄弟，或是在家裡和妻子一起。因為我相信我並非獨立存在，這個能觀息的「我」和其他生命是緊緊相繫的，這正是我一直以來深深覺察的。

　　吸氣、吐氣、吸氣、吐氣。）