呼与吸之间

文／美国佛宝寺英文中级禅修班学员　Steve Williamson

　　

　　In. Out. In. Out.

　　For the past eight months, each observed in-breath and each observed out-breath has microscopically altered the trajectory of the consciousness I've called "I"for the past 55 years. Like many beginners, I sought something new. Instead, I've discovered the little-by-little losing of things old: old habits, old impurities, old expectations.

　　It's been subtle to be sure. So subtle I might ask myself: "Was that little patch of me that just sloughed off, was that my precious pride or the rough edge of ego?"Sometimes, I have to squint to recognize the progress. Still, I've been delighted to rediscover that underneath my exterior scales lies my old clearer and kinder self, a hidden treasure trove of my basic goodness. Not yet observable to others perhaps, but real nonetheless.

　　Back again...and again...to this moment...then to this moment...then to this moment. This path of breath-observing has been challenging to my Western mind, accustomed more to reliving the past or pre-living the future. And yet back to the breath, I uncover both questions and gratitude. Currently, three questions arise:

　　． Who is this observer of the breath whom I call "I"?

　　． How can I become kinder, more compassionate?

　　． What about Right Livelihood?

　　Sometimes, gratitude responds to the questions. Gratitude for this new exploration of reality, of mind. Gratitude for our Buddha Jewel Monastery founded a few years ago in one of our nation's most racially, economically and religiously diverse neighborhoods. Gratitude for our shifus and my classmates for their commitment to sharing the Dharma. And gratitude for the Buddha.

　　With beginner's mind, I have few lessons to offer, but three steps have helped me with my path. First, I journal my daily meditations. When my practice stalls, I persevere because a previous journal entry recalls the profound value of simply observing.

　　Second, I've begun a second meditation some days--at work for 10-20 minutes--to cool the heat of the workaday world. Third, I try to breath-observe while walking to and from work: In-In-In. Out-Out-Out. Three steps for each in-breath, three steps for each out-breath.

　　Breath-observing has launched me on a new space and time trajectory--more here, more now--than where I was headed only eight months ago. While I mostly observe my breath in solitude, I am drawn to meditating with others, either in the Monastery with classmates or at home with my wife. I believe this is because my consciousness isn't so separate from others. This breath-observer whom I call "I"is interconnected with other consciousnesses, just as I've always deeply observed.

　　In. Out. In. Out.

　　（吸气、吐气、吸气、吐气。

　　这八个月来，随着一呼一吸的观息，让过去五十五年来所称为“我”的这念心，微观地改变了原有的轨道。就像许多初学者一样，我也在寻求着新的事物，却发觉自己反而渐渐在失去旧有的东西：旧的习气、旧的染着、旧的期待。

　　这个改变真的很细微，细微到我会反问自己：“刚剥落的这一小块，是我珍贵的自尊，还是自我的角？”有时候，要眯着眼仔细看，才能看得出进步。尽管如此，还是很高兴能重新发现，那个藏在表相之下更清明、更慈悲的本性依然存在──隐藏的自家珍宝。或许，别人还没有察觉，但它是真实的。

　　一次又一次地回到当下，再回到当下、再回到当下。观息这条路，对我这个西方人的心而言，充满了挑战──这念心太习惯重温过去或预设未来。但将心念收回，依止在出入息的同时，我心中充满了感恩，也发起了三种疑情：

　　．这个能观息的“我”是谁？

　　．我如何才能更柔软、更慈悲？

　　．什么才是“正命”？

　　有时候，感恩回答了一切──感恩有机会能探索真理及心性；感恩在这么一个种族、经济、宗教多元的地方，有佛宝寺的成立；感恩法师的教导，以及精舍学员们的分享；感恩佛陀。

　　我还是初学者，能分享的心得不多。但在修行的路上，有三件事对我很有帮助：第一，我每天会写观照日记。即使遇到阻碍，我仍会坚持，因为每篇记录都能令人想起专注当下的珍贵。

　　第二，每天静坐两次。第二次是在公司，十到二十分钟，让我从繁忙的工作中冷静下来。第三，走路上下班时也尽量观息：吸吸吸、呼呼呼，三步一吸气，三步一呼气。

　　观息使我的心航向新的时空轨道，相较于八个月前，更能安住在当下。大多时候我独自静坐，但也喜欢和别人一起静坐，或是在佛宝寺和师兄弟，或是在家里和妻子一起。因为我相信我并非独立存在，这个能观息的“我”和其他生命是紧紧相系的，这正是我一直以来深深觉察的。

　　吸气、吐气、吸气、吐气。）